Dear daughter, I’m sorry.

My eyes hurt. They are stinging and I’m not sure if it is tiredness, looking at a computer too long or both. Truth is, I don’t want to go to bed. Because when I go to bed I will go to sleep. When I go to sleep I will inevitably wake up and have to start another day. Which I am too tired for today. It’s a conundrum isn’t it?

I will be the first to admit that I have been a pretty lacklustre mother this week. It is the busiest time of year for Joe at work and so I haven’t seen anything of him so far this week, maybe ten minutes between him getting up and leaving for work again? If that. Due to the house move we are also trying not to spend unnecessarily. I’m bored, Isabelle’s bored, I’m snappy, Isabelle’s hyper. We’re going round and round in a cycle of her being hyper and clingy and me being grumpy and distant.

I thought about us going for a nice country walk today, but my daughter wont walk unless there’s a park on the way and the only walks near me with parks, charge £3.50 for the car park! Not a cost I can justify. The same goes for softplay, too pricey. So instead we stayed in. We coloured, we watched Disney movies, we did Pinterest worthy activities such as poking pipe cleaners into a colander (she was bored in 5 minutes) and making a ‘calm down bottle’ using glitter and water. We bickered, we argued, we cried, we whinged, we danced, we laughed and we cuddled. I feel like I shouted a lot today and didn’t give her enough of my undivided attention. It’s always the way isn’t it, you sit and think about how wonderful your children are and how much of a terrible parent you were once they have gone to sleep.

When I think about making it better tomorrow I don’t know what to do though. I cant bring myself to go through the routine all over again, where I don’t talk to another adult all day. I cant have a glass of juice because I am trying to get her to drink water and if she sees me with juice she will (quite rightly) lose it. I don’t get a second to myself because she follows me to the toilet. I can’t even brush her teeth without a battle. I cant wash her without having to get in too because she won’t bath without me. To wash her hair, I have to pin her and the screams are deafening. Nap time and bed time have both been disasters. She screamed because I carried her upstairs. She screamed to sleep in my bed. She tantrummed so hard she was sick again and so she won, I had to strip her bedding and she napped in my bed. I don’t even look forward to the weekend, because Joe is out with work on Saturday and likely to be on call on the phone anyway. The following weekend is Black Friday and he has to work all weekend then too. So I spend more time alone, well not alone with Isabelle, but lonely nonetheless. I’ve got nothing but time and I don’t know what to do with it.

We are mid house move and I want to be excited. I want to be excited about Christmas and be one of those mums doing Christmas crafts and going on Autumn walks crunching through the leaves taking Instagram worthy pictures on my fancy camera. I’m not though.

I have a kitchen full of pots that I cant be bothered to wash. Laundry to put away, toys to tidy and I really ought to do something with my hair that isn’t just ‘mum bun’. My get up and go has got up and gone and I cant find it anywhere.

I can hear her stirring and so I know any minute she will shout me and I will need to go in and settle her back to sleep. Something which will happen at least two or three times tonight until she wakes up bright eyed and bushy tailed ready to start another day, with a mother who is already defeated by it.



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4 thoughts on “Dear daughter, I’m sorry.

  1. That mama guilt is the worst isn’t it?! We’re our own worst critic though and I can guarantee isabella has an amazing time no matter what you do. Be gentle on yourself, we’re only human x

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