I’m grumpy. Gilmore girls is on, it is 9.24pm on a Tuesday night and Isabelle has only just gone to sleep. The evenings are supposed to be mine dammit. Ugh.
So I interviewed for a job on Friday. It was a full time job, which I wasn’t really sure about. The job itself looked great, the lady interviewing me was lovely, small office, very casual, excellent money. I had been and looked at nurseries for Isabelle the day before, again it looked great. Something just didn’t feel ‘right’. I can’t quite put my finger on it. Nonetheless, I thought it wouldn’t hurt to interview and if they offered me the position then I can have a serious think about what I want to do.
Turns out I didn’t get it anyway. Which leaves me in a bit of a conundrum emotionally. I’m disappointed and relieved all at once. Disappointed because this is the first job I have interviewed for that I haven’t got. Which makes me feel crap. Am I just not as hireable now I am a mother? Now that work can never be my number one priority? Yet I know that I am simply not ready to leave Isabelle at nursery full time. I knew it when I went for the interview. Don’t get me wrong, I know how lucky I am, that I have this choice. Truly I do. My husband works very hard to enable me to stay home and I have been spoilt in having the last 2 years at home with her, despite my many moanings. I also know that she would probably have much more fun at nursery than she would at home with me all day. We potter about, playing, colouring, splashing in puddles, running errands but at nursery they go outside twice a day EVERYDAY, they do messy play, they learn French for christs sake. I can’t offer her that?! Some days we don’t get dressed till lunchtime. Some days we only leave the house to go to the bank. Some days I tell her off because I have housework to do and she is pestering me to play lego. Some days I am a sub standard mother.
I think part time work might be the solution for me. A happy medium. A good friend described it to me as ‘just enough to miss being at home and to appreciate how lucky you are, not too much that you resent it’. That friend is very wise.
In the meantime, I just need to work on being more ‘present’ at home with Isabelle. Oh and being one of those people whose house is always visitor ready, rather than panicking if someone turns up unannounced that I have left my bra on the bathroom floor and I have a kitchen full of unwashed pots. That is definitely a work in progress…