*I wrote this at the end of last year – just after my miscarriage. It’s quite raw and possibly a little graphic. As you may have seen from my last blog post I am in fact, now pregnant again and I spent the first twelve weeks (and still now if I’m honest) absolutely terrified of another loss. I wondered whether or not to post this at all but I’ve decided to just go for it in the hope that it helps someone in the same way I found reading things like this helpful when I was in the thick of it all.*
Expectant Management of a Missed Miscarriage. It sounds like you have the situation under control right? Except, this is the most out of control I have ever felt. I don’t know what to expect and I am managing nothing. Even the phrase ‘missed miscarriage’ makes me feel stupid. How could my body have missed something so significant?
I’m writing this now while it all feels fresh, even though I won’t be able to post it for a long time – maybe even never. My husband and I differ very much on how we deal with life. I’m a talker, a problem shared is a problem halved and all that. Not only that but I am a chronic Googler of everything so I like the thought of another Googler stumbling across this and finding some relief or just a sense that they aren’t alone. My husband likes to keep things private – generally. Which doesn’t necessarily fit in with the life of a blogger like me who basically just overshares their entire life.
You see, right now it is December 7th 2017 and I am in the middle of a miscarriage. I went for a reassurance scan on Saturday after the tiniest amount of bleeding and the sense of ‘I just don’t feel pregnant anymore’. I went alone, my husband stayed with our 3 year old. I knew immediately, as soon as the lovely lady doing the scan wouldn’t look at me. I knew as soon as she asked me to go and empty my bladder so she could try and internal scan. I knew from the silence in the room and the emptiness that I felt. My baby had no heartbeat. It had most likely stopped developing at around 6-7 weeks, I was supposed to be 8 weeks at this point.
I was told it was a missed miscarriage and she showed me on the screen how there was no blood going to the baby. I sobbed, obviously and after being told to re-dress, I was led to a small empty room to grieve alone for a few minutes.
The pain was indescribable, even though I suspected that this would be the outcome. Even though I had said weeks ago that my symptoms had stopped and I didn’t think this scan would be good news, it still came as a shock. I just stood sobbing at the car parking machine, desperate to get in my car so I could call my husband. I felt mortified to be crying in front of strangers but then again, I suppose to come to expect that in a hospital right?
They told me to come back in two weeks to be scanned again, but that I would likely miscarry in that time. If not, we would discuss my options at my next scan. So now I am just waiting. Waiting to ‘pass my baby’. They told me it would likely be painful. Which is scary. I can’t stop Googling it and reading other peoples experiences, trying to prepare myself.
It is a cruel and heartbreaking limbo I find myself left in. But then I am also terrified of nothing happening and having to have a surgical procedure to remove it all, the week before Christmas. I am stressed because if that happens my husband will need to take time off work and this is his busiest time of year. I am stressed because I am finding it incredibly difficult to parent right now, my head just isn’t in the right place. All I want to do is curl up in a ball.
I am scared to leave the house in case it happens while I am out and I have to suffer the indignity of bleeding in public – I hear there is quite a lot of blood. The farthest I have been is my daughters nursery, just minutes from our house. I leave it until the very last second until I leave the house so that I am not stood around unnecessarily.
I am having to avoid family parties and all the inevitable Christmas gatherings, I just can’t face being too far from home. Which means everyone probably thinks I am rude and unsociable.
I am lonely. My husband has been great, but he hates it when I cry and unfortunately that is all I seem to want to do. I have no one to talk to, since no one knew we were pregnant or trying. Actually no, that’s not true, my next door neighbour knew but she is mid way through her own pregnancy and it is just too painful to be around other pregnant people right now. Or babies. It’s just my luck that there was a newborn on the school run yesterday, she’s beautiful but I don’t want to see her face that early in the morning if I’m honest.
I have found myself pages and pages deep in threads about how to ‘hurry along’ a missed miscarriage. Vitamin C, hot baths, clary sage. Basically, all the things used to bring on labour. I can’t help but feel skeptical though, I have been carrying my baby around for two weeks already and my body still has no idea so I doubt me eating a few oranges or having a hot bath is going to make it wake up and all of a sudden realise.
The waiting was awful but I seemed to be lucky (as far as lucky can be in this kind of situation) with the actual process itself.
It took around ten days for it to begin. I had mild cramping and then passed the baby whilst alone at home, in our bathroom. I saw everything, which I wasn’t prepared for to be honest. I had expected just a ton of bleeding and nothing recognisable but that wasn’t the case. The worst thing was knowing what to actually do with it. I feel awful saying ‘it’ but I don’t really know how else to describe it. I don’t know if it was a he or a she. I didn’t name them.
In the end, out of pure panic I flushed it down the toilet and then immediately felt terrible.
Afterwards was manageable. Lots of heavy clotting and not too dissimilar from post partum bleeding that lasted around two weeks. The scan showed that everything had passed as I expected and we were given a leaflet on coping with a miscarriage and that was it. It was very odd. Almost like it had never happened.
If I were to be unlucky enough to go through this again I would without a doubt request medical or surgical management. The waiting and carrying around the baby not knowing when it would happen was the worst part. It’s impossible to gain closure. For some people, waiting for it to happen ‘naturally’ might feel like the best option for them and I totally respect that but for me and my family, it was torture.